It might interest you to know that one of the ways in which I make my living is as a freelance script reader. So naturally I was curious when my mate Kev posted on Facebook that, completely out of the blue, someone had sent him a 75 page feature script for a film called BAD DOLPHIN.
Obviously this guy really wants Entourage star Kevin Connolly to read his script but, since the chances of that are almost zero,
I thought the least I could do is prepare a script report for him…
Bad Dolphin is a film about a dolphin, who is bad. The dolphin hates all humans. Except hookers, for some reason.
Our Rory is safe then, thank god.
The dolphin is also telepathic, extremely racist and not shy about giving its enemies a good raping. Oh yeah, and it has a red streak down one side. Its name is Red.
Did I mention that the dolphin can talk?
The dolphin can totally talk.
Generally, the characters are broad archetypes. Most are racist caricatures who are themselves also deeply racist. So I guess it balances out.
Red The Dolphin – A racist Dolphin with super-powers who wants to destroy humanity and/or have sex with prostitutes and/or get back together with his girlfriend.
Quote: Yeah so? What are you getting at Slumdog Millionaire? BTW, spoiler alert, Danny Boyle loves the taste of Dolphin Cock.
Captain Ahab – A racist caricature of a racist Japanese sailor who is raped by Red in the first scene. He vows his revenge on Red but ends up shitting himself on the street.
Quote: Greenpeace can suck my yellow Jap ass! Japanese sailors like to rape and kill things, that’s what we do.
Bong and Dro – Two stoners who rescue Red from Seaworld.
Quote: That was an earth quake bro. We should get high.
Juan and Rico – Two treacherous drug dealers who are obsessed with how good looking they are.
Quote: Yeah, well you’re not the boss of me either. And I just had a mani and a petti this afternoon.
The Aquanauts – A squad of genetically engineered fish-soldiers sent by the government to take Red back to Miami before he destroys the earth.
Quote: Sargent Shark has picked up some strong Dolphin vibrations sir.
Valerie – Red’s human girlfriend and former trainer at Seaworld.
Quote: Can I help you?
Okay so… as far as I can tell, this is what happens:
The military did some experiments on a dolphin. The dolphin ends up with some weird magnetic telepathic powers. The dolphin rapes an old Japanese Sailor who – to be fair – was being kind of a dick. The dolphin ends up in Seaworld somehow. Two stoners (a dwarf and a fat African-American) rescue it for some reason…
Actually, Kevin Connolly is perfect for this movie.
…and they steal some money from some drug dealers on a boat, followed by a drug fuelled orgy with the dolphin, their Indian landlord, and some hookers. The government figure out that the dolphin’s magnetic powers will destroy the whole fucking world somehow if they don’t get the dolphin from San Diego back to Miami. The government send a squad of genetically engineered fish-soldiers to reclaim the dolphin from the stoners.
You know… like in Street Sharks?
Meanwhile, the debauched Japanese sailor and the drug dealers are (separately) also out to get the dolphin, and the drug dealers’ boss’s niece is out to get the drug dealers for stealing some money or something.
The drug dealer’s boss is basically Hector Salamanca. Except he has a text-to-voice computer instead of a bell. He only gets one scene, though.
After the Dolphin reunites with his human girlfriend, it all culminates in a massive fight in a strip club between pretty much everyone listed above. And some bikers.
As they’re fighting, Bong (the African-American stoner) suddenly falls in love with the drug dealers’ boss’s niece and Dro (the dwarf stoner) falls in love with one of the fish-soldiers. or maybe it’s the other way round. The Aquanauts hit the dolphin with a sedative and everyone lives happily ever after and/or dies horribly when the world explodes.
Thanks for nothing, Dolphin.
Racist, homophobic and scatological. The film vividly captures the sensation of being lost in a crack addict’s fever dreams.
The script screeches to a halt after the final showdown, so we never find out if Red destroys the world or not. This must be the point in the crack-head’s dream when they were rudely awakened by another crack-head trying to eat their hair.
Frankly, if this doesn’t sound like the greatest movie ever written, I suggest you report to your nearest coroner’s office immediately.
Because you are dead inside.
You can tweet Kevin Connolly here if you think he should take the project!
Thanks to Gary Parker for sending this masterpiece out in to the world, and to the real Kevin Connolly for passing it on to me.